There's a song by Mariah Carey called Fantasy where she innocently describes her emotions about a man she sees and she is attracted to but basically her relationship goes only as far as where her mind will take it. The guy only is described as walking by every night, talking sweet and looking fine. That could be anybody. But somehow a fantasy of him and her is manifested in her mind and it goes pretty far. She is telling of how into this guy she is but implies in her lyrics that she can't even explain it to him with sincerity because she knows it's only a fantasy of them together that causes the emotions she is feeling. she also expresses the fantasy as images of rapture (her being swept away by this gentleman) and they begin to come in slowly, but as she allows the images to take her over her heart beats faster which basically implies a physical manifestation from having dwelt on this fantasy for a period of time. Then, alas, she describes her fantasy which is a picture of her in heaven with her laughing boyfriend. She puts no time to the feeling as to where it began and where it ends and states that she feels like she is dreaming but she is awake which means that she knows very well the images aren't real and neither would be the relationship she has to this guy. I would agree though that her emotions and attraction are very real.
I have on many occasions felt as though I were in love with people I had no physical connection with. I've written about it in poem or song form. I use poetry and songwriting to express my emotions and my adoration for God. I have in the past also used poetry and songwriting for the adoration of men. Which men? Men of honour and integrity? No. Male leaders? No. Family members? Not even. I went through a number of writings tonight and found that I wrote about many different persons whom I have never met in real life but shared some sort of attraction with. These men were men I sought attention from online through various types of social media including chat messengers and websites. The thing that struck me the hardest as I was reading the words I penned was that the emotion I described as love toward that person as far back as 5 years ago or more was the very same emotion I had been feeling and struggling with recently. I basically fell in awe and let God show me what it was He needed to show me.
Sometimes being alone with God will point out the fact that the life you think you're living isn't even real. I mean, you know the real moments apart from the fake. The only real moments I have ever encountered were my moments with Christ. And for some that might sound backwards because He cannot be seen and could easily be debated as a fantasy, but everything I have ever known before Christ was fantasy. Recently I have struggled to recall memories of things learned and even as I read through my writings tonight I would only recall the memory because I wrote it down, but I tried so desperately in my writing to make the fantasy sound real.
So I cried out to God and I told Him I was tired of living in a fantasy. I told Him I was tired of how I've hurt others due to my scary self absorption. I told Him that I was tired of treating others as though they are less than me, worse than that even. I said I was tired of blaming others for how I denied the problem being with me. You see, in Christ I am made whole. ( mark 10:52) I am quite functional in the Spirit realm for I believe in the Almighty God, however there are circumstances that arise in my life where God is directing my attention to in order that I would seek to heal from it. He has given me moments of rest and now it is time that I face my giants and make those areas of my life whole through Christ. This work, yes work, does not feel like rest but strangely enough it is through my rest in the Holy Spirit that I will overcome. I will not become whole through my own power, for I have seen what my power is. My power in the flesh is fantasy- it's lust. but in me is the greatest power and that is the power that will sustain me and teach me how to answer the call of my Saviour when I don't know how to trust and follow. That power is the Holy Spirit and praise the Lord that He has brought me this far!
So come Lord Jesus and make Yourself known in me and through me.
