Sweet, Sweet Fantasy

There's a song by Mariah Carey called Fantasy where she innocently describes her emotions about a man she sees and she is attracted to but basically her relationship goes only as far as where her mind will take it. The guy only is described as walking by every night, talking sweet and looking fine. That could be anybody. But somehow a fantasy of him and her is manifested in her mind and it goes pretty far. She is telling of how into this guy she is but implies in her lyrics that she can't even explain it to him with sincerity because she knows it's only a fantasy of them together that causes the emotions she is feeling. she also expresses the fantasy as images of rapture (her being swept away by this gentleman) and they begin to come in slowly, but as she allows the images to take her over her heart beats faster which basically implies a physical manifestation from having dwelt on this fantasy for a period of time. Then, alas, she describes her fantasy which is a picture of her in heaven with her laughing boyfriend. She puts no time to the feeling as to where it began and where it ends and states that she feels like she is dreaming but she is awake which means that she knows very well the images aren't real and neither would be the relationship she has to this guy. I would agree though that her emotions and attraction are very real.

I have on many occasions felt as though I were in love with people I had no physical connection with. I've written about it in poem or song form. I use poetry and songwriting to express my emotions and my adoration for God. I have in the past also used poetry and songwriting for the adoration of men. Which men? Men of honour and integrity? No. Male leaders? No. Family members? Not even. I went through a number of writings tonight and found that I wrote about many different persons whom I have never met in real life but shared some sort of attraction with. These men were men I sought attention from online through various types of social media including chat messengers and websites. The thing that struck me the hardest as I was reading the words I penned was that the emotion I described as love toward that person as far back as 5 years ago or more was the very same emotion I had been feeling and struggling with recently. I basically fell in awe and let God show me what it was He needed to show me. 

Sometimes being alone with God will point out the fact that the life you think you're living isn't even real. I mean, you know the real moments apart from the fake. The only real moments I have ever encountered were my moments with Christ. And for some that might sound backwards because He cannot be seen and could easily be debated as a fantasy, but everything I have ever known before Christ was fantasy. Recently I have struggled to recall memories of things learned and even as I read through my writings tonight I would only recall the memory because I wrote it down, but I tried so desperately in my writing to make the fantasy sound real. 

So I cried out to God and I told Him I was tired of living in a fantasy. I told Him I was tired of how I've hurt others due to my scary self absorption. I told Him that I was tired of treating others as though they are less than me, worse than that even. I said I was tired of blaming others for how I denied the problem being with me. You see, in Christ I am made whole. ( mark 10:52) I am quite functional in the Spirit realm for I believe in the Almighty God, however there are circumstances that arise in my life where God is directing my attention to in order that I would seek to heal from it. He has given me moments of rest and now it is time that I face my giants and make those areas of my life whole through Christ. This work, yes work, does not feel like rest but strangely enough it is through my rest in the Holy Spirit that I will overcome. I will not become whole through my own power, for I have seen what my power is. My power in the flesh is fantasy- it's lust. but in me is the greatest power and that is the power that will sustain me and teach me how to answer the call of my Saviour when I don't know how to trust and follow. That power is the Holy Spirit and praise the Lord that He has brought me this far! 

So come Lord Jesus and make Yourself known in me and through me. 

The Worship Experiment: Take 2

I began writing blog entry entitled "Take 1" on Saturday, March 3, 2012 and decided I would continue it later, but I chose to start a new entry today on Sunday, March 4, 2012. Today, as I am worshipping in choir at WPC, Paulo speaks a word and he says he doesn’t know who it was for...but he continued and his words were exactly for me. I didn’t know that I was walking with condemnation, but I knew I wasn’t walking in freedom. So when he said “there is a difference between conviction and condemnation”, I knew the word was for me because it wasn’t like other words I’ve heard about condemnation, but he explained to the core how I have been feeling and I experienced so much freedom through the power of God that morning. Pastor Mark’s teaching about feeling overwhelmed and choosing to come to Jesus with our burdens for rest..........ahhh I  can’t even explain it, I just want to experience all over again.

I am excited about this journey with my mates because I have already gained so much understanding of my purpose and am motivated to learn and develop myself as a minister of God. What I have gained so far is the following:

1.  The best teacher and co-labourers in this journey (haha I had to say it);
2. I have begun to think of music differently as I am listening to it. I listen for different elements in the song and try to understand what the artist is feeling or trying to achieve;
3. I have bought more music of artists I just heard about to broaden my musical awareness;
4. My personal worship time has allowed God to remind me about who I am, something He kind of wasn’t able to do because I wasn’t drawing near to Him J
5.  I feel free and pumped and ready for the journey;
6. I am able to see direction in my current career now that I have let go of my burdens;
7. I feel like now I have permission to speak out, whereas I didn’t feel that way before. I knew I had authority in me, just didn’t give myself permission to use it;
8.  I am learning boundaries which is something huge to me;
9.  Most of all, I have a clear vision of the love that surrounds me. I used to think people were bothering me...but I don’t see it that way anymore. I was bothering myself by thinking like a fool.

So here’s to a year full of experimenting, learning, leaning, taking risks and challenges, talking to more people I don’t know, talking to more people about things no one wants to talk about, and seek out the truth in Jesus according to God’s word.

The Worship Experiment: Take 1

Over the last 5 years or so of my Christian journey, I have observed many other believers around me and have had some great teaching and learning experiences about who God is and what my role is as a follower of Christ. I can honestly say that over that time, I was desperately trying to figure out how to please God through my actions. I felt as though I knew God pretty well because I had the conviction of seeing things through God’s eyes, as I am a born again believer. As my desperation in actions grew stronger and my desire to seek Jesus grew deeper, I got very tired. I felt as though over time, rather than developing more understanding of my freedom in Christ, I successfully put a barrier between myself and God. Not by sin, but by not being intimate with God.

I had my moments where I would learn from the Word of God, and had my moments where God would speak to me in a dream or through other people. Still, I always desperately tried to understand scripture on my own or through my own experiences, and tried to follow God’s voice on a best-guess basis. This means I would feel a certain way about a situation or something I prayed about and I would go about whatever it was that I felt according to my understanding. Not that I would say that my feelings should be avoided when making a decision, but I realized that my understanding was lacking, and it was lacking a lot. I want to gain understanding, but I know now that I mustn’t lean on my own understanding. I have to be able to totally depend on God in ALL circumstances.

I don’t want to be the person who desperately wants to be a warrior for God but does not yield to the process of becoming one. I am tired of being in the presence of God at all times and rarely feeling motivated to give thanks and to fellowship intimately with Him. I came to the realization in the fall 2011 that I do not have a deep understanding of who God is and that I do not have a deep understanding of how great His love is for me. The realization did not surprise me, as this is just a part of my journey. I did however recognize its perfect timing and could not be more ecstatic about the fact that God has orchestrated every single detail of my life to where it is now so that I would have the maximum benefit out of this journey to intimacy with Him.

Let’s see what God did in 2011 to force me to want to be intimate with Him ;)

1.       He took me out of a job I felt unsupported in and placed me into a job where I have been developing meaningful friendships with people and am actually learning how to do my job. The location of my job is downtown where I was more than open to moving to because the location of my former job was far from other departments and it felt very lonely all the time.

2.       Knowing that I was going to eventually lose the closeness in accessibility to my mother and my best friend/sister due to marriage in both of their lives, I had to move into my own dwelling place. This was genius God-timing because as I was looking for my place, my mom gets engaged and 3 days after my move date my sister officially moves to the USA. I chose to live alone because I felt I needed to develop my dependency on God.

3.       Closer to the end of the year, I felt I really hadn’t bathed in the word of God in my journey and didn’t make it a priority of my life. Because I felt I was distant from God, I began to seek Him out through more spiritual disciplines and reading.

I won’t go into the details of my experiences where God showed me boundaries in my relationships with others, but essentially that’s what God began doing and very quickly too. He did it and continues to do it with the most amazing love ever. He is a faithful and gentle God.

So at the end of 2011, Paulo (my friend and mentor) advises about this small group that would begin in the new year of 2012 for worship leaders and I pretty much leap for joy in my spirit because the timing was so great and perfect. At a time where I longed desperately to know God more intimately and learn more about my purpose in ministry, he calls a small group together and opens his home to a time of sharing experiences but most importantly to develop on the foundation of a follower of Christ and grow in our ministry as worship leaders.

I have learned first of all how honoured and loved I am to even be a part of something like this. Another thing I still can’t get over is how great God is that He would place me in a wonderful group at such a time as this J

I Am Troy Davis

This post is a part of Indie Ink's Weekly Writing Challenge. I was challenged by Tara Roberts with a quote from Winston Churchill “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” I challenged runaway sentence

_________________________________________________

September 21, 2011

A night to remember

My life is now in Your hands

My life, my God, my Maker

I have been ready to see You all this time

My One, my Love, my Lord

I just wanted them to see

That justice belongs to You, God

No one can separate me from Your love

This long ordeal did not prove my innocence

Rather Your blood is the atonement for my sin

I stand in Your presence ‘Not Guilty’

In the arms of the Holy Lamb of God, Jesus Christ

Everyone is still fighting for my justice...

But here I am acquitted of my crime

From a natural born sinister life

Thank You for Your sacrifice.

___________________________________________________

The Random

This post is part of Indie Ink's Weekly Writing Challenge.  I was challenged this week with "I just walked away..." from Billy Flynn. I challenged Janey.

____________________________________________________________________

You know it; you've been there before. You probably don't even realize what you're doing. You're there; then, you're just gone. Like a vapour.

A young black lady works around the clock to make ends meet. She has no time to spend with her children, so they're out in the streets. They grab your attention because they stand outside of your neighbourhood gas station where you buy your cigarettes, and talk to you like they know you because they see you almost everyday. You act like they aren't there; you just walk away.

A large, overweight and handicapped man comes onto the elevator while at work. You don't know that his 7 month old daughter was taken out of his care because he couldn't work enough hours to make enough money to pay for his medical expenses AND take care of her. You don't say hello; you just smile awkwardly and walk away.

Two planes fly into the twin towers causing it to explode with smoke and debris everywhere. Hundreds of people die. You watch the news and read all the newpaper stories. A survivor explains their experience on a talk show and pleads that viewers value their lives and take nothing for granted. You don't listen to her plea. You just turn the show away.

A  mother and her three young children in East Africa share a bond unlike the one you and I share with our mothers. She is the caregiver of her home and brings hope to other homes in the village. Her face is on advertisements which compel you to pity her and to give financially in order that she would have the same medical and life benefits that you do. You don't care to know her story and who she is, even if she walked by you begging for money to feed her starving children.

People walk by you everyday with a story. If we took a moment to talk to them and show them kindness and mercy, what do you think would change in your life? Many of us live our lives without purpose. We think taking care of ourselves is having purpose. That's survival. A basic instinct. Shouldn't there be MORE?

Why Do I Even Try.

This post is a part of the Indie Ink Writing Challenge. I was challenged by deepsoni.me. My prompt was "Why do I even try." I challenged Aimee with "Something simple".

This incredible pain owns me.

At night I fall into deep lack of concentration

When I speak, my mind fears emancipation

Because I am alone.

I’ve walked 10 miles

And broke some bones-

The pain still recurs now that

I’ve dealt with the way life beats me up

Because the road keeps winding me down...

Long are the days I sleep awake

And these days I cry

And sometimes lose my mind-

I possibly don’t know where I am

Or how far I have come-

But one thing I do know

Is I can’t turn around

And must never look back

Because yesterdays are gone.

Why do I live in the past?

I can’t make sense of today

All I want to do is die-

My God, I can’t live this way

But I’ve tried and I’ve tried,

And Lord knows how I’ve cried...

I tried to make everything good for me

But something is not right with me

This incredible pain owns me

Unless someone can let me go.

How can I trust a stranger?

I just want to be alone